On Hearing of My Mother’s Death Six Years After It Happened – Only $0.99 from 12/28 to 1/3

The Kindle version of my award-winning mental illness memoir On Hearing of My Mother’s Death Six Years After It Happened: A Daughter’s Memoir of Mental Illness will be on sale for just $0.99 from Wednesday, 12/28 through Tuesday, 1/3. Mark your calendars!

As always, the book is FREE with Kindle Unlimited.

***

It was the spring of 1989. I was sixteen years old, a junior in high school and an honors student. I had what every teenager wants: a stable family, a nice home in the suburbs, a great group of friends, big plans for my future, and no reason to believe that any of that would ever change.

Then came my mother’s psychosis.

I experienced first-hand the terror of watching someone I loved transform into a monster, the terror of discovering that I was to be her primary victim. For years I’ve lived with the sadness of knowing that she, too, was a helpless victim – a victim of a terrible disease that consumed and destroyed the strong and caring woman I had once called Mom.

My mother’s illness took everything. My family, my home, my friends, my future. A year and a half later I would be living alone on the street on the other side of the country, wondering whether I could even survive on my own.

But I did. That was how my mother – my real mother – raised me. To survive.

She, too, was a survivor. It wasn’t until last year that I learned that she had died – in 2007. No one will ever know her side of the story now. But perhaps, at last, it’s time for me to tell mine.

***

Now available in eBook and paperback (both standard size and LARGE PRINT formats).

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Just the Three of Us – Only $0.99 from 12/28 to 1/3

 

My funny sexy romance Just the Three of Us: An Erotic Romantic Comedy for the Commitment-Challenged will be on sale for only $0.99 from Wednesday, December 28th through Tuesday, January 3rd. Mark your calendars!

As always, the book is FREE with Kindle Unlimited and is also available in audiobook on both Amazon and ITunes.

***

Three close friends get too close for comfort in Just the Three of Us: An Erotic Romantic Comedy for the Commitment-Challenged.

Meet Kathy, a thirty-seven-year-old drifter who’s constantly on the move: to new towns, new jobs, and new relationships. Imagine her surprise when she’s befriended by lifelong friends Sam and Ted, attractive young men who, though ten years her junior, are far more settled than she thinks she’ll ever be. Cheer them on as their three-way friendship succumbs to passion, then passion to romance, and romance to… well, surely it couldn’t be love. Could it?

With plenty of heat, dialogue that will make you laugh out loud, and a plot to tickle your most sentimental of spots, Just the Three of Us is a funny and unusual friends-to-lovers romance that promises an entertaining read for fans of romance looking for a unique take on love and sexuality.

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Weekend Away: An Almost-Erotic, Almost-Love Story

I am pleased to announce the publication of my long short story Weekend Away: An Almost-Erotic, Almost-Love Story, now available in eBook exclusively on Amazon for only $0.99, or free with Kindle Unlimited.

“And then we were standing, rising up from the water, and as the droplets cascaded down my naked body I imagined myself as a mortal and less awe-inspiring version of Aphrodite, and Jesse as Poseidon, except with, um, only one prong in his trident.”

Cindy’s friend Jesse is great – especially when he gets out of her way after the “benefits” part of their evening is over. So when he proposes a weekend excursion at a nearby lake, she’s naturally suspicious – isn’t that the kind of thing “couples” do? Now she might never be able to get the smell of him off her…

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Jane Loves Snoopy

Some time ago I agreed to babysit a pet rat. Owing to circumstances beyond my control, it became a more or less permanent arrangement. She has, however, provided me with some solid amusement – such as this Christmas season moment.

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El culo Hannelack, o cómo aprendí a dejar de preocuparme y amar mi trasero

I am thrilled to announce the publication of the Spanish language translation of my humorous erotic short story The Hannelack Fanny, Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love My Rump. Translated by Helen Rodriguez Gonzalez.

***

Un fin de semana, unos pocos meses después del glorioso despertar de mi trasero, John y yo fuimos en un viaje por carretera. Me incliné a ambos lados y levanté mi falda hasta mis caderas para que pudiera descansar su mano en mi culo mientras conducía. El sol entraba a través del techo corredizo abierto y mi trasero se sentía cálido a pesar de su casi desnudez. ¡Cómo disfrutaba de esa sensación ahora!

De repente, el claxon de un tráiler sonó.

“¡Oye!”, oí a un hombre gritar. “¡Eh, gran carga!”

Hace un año, me habría mortificado. Ya no.

Voltee a mirar. Un semirremolque viajaba junto a nosotros. El copiloto me miraba el culo desnudo. El conductor se inclinaba, tratando de alcanzar a ver.

“¿Les gusta lo que ven, chicos?”, grité, moví mi cuerpo en el asiento para que mis nalgas se sacudieran.

“¡OOOOH-EEEEH! ¡Agita ese culo, mami! ”

En ese momento, algo se apoderó de mí. Era como si la bestia que por tanto tiempo había sido enjaulada en mi trasero, finalmente, se había liberado. Quería salir. Completamente.

Desabroché el cinturón de seguridad y salté a mi asiento. Me deslicé con esfuerzo a través del techo abierto, todo y culo. Me bajé la ropa interior, levanté mi falda, y me mostré al mundo. Hasta la última pulgada que se sacudía en mí.

“¡Miren mi culo!”, grité, golpeándolo duro con la palma. “¡Miren mi culo!”

Rebotaba, saltando arriba y abajo en el mismo lugar, y mi culo, tan inmenso como era, también rebotaba; su gordura aterrizaba en el techo caliente del auto para luego regresar hasta la cintura con alegre ritmo, mientras lo señalaba y reía.

“¡Miren mi culo!”

***

La vida de una joven mujer cambia para siempre cuando descubre lo que todos a su alrededor han sabido desde el principio: que un famoso rasgo familiar ha vuelto a aparecer en un lugar muy lamentable –su propio trasero. Sigue su camino desde la vergüenza, a la aceptación, hasta la desenfrenada alegría, a medida que aprende a apreciar las maravillas de ir por la vida con el culo Hannelack.

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Al Oír Sobre La Muerte de mi Madre Seis Años Después De Que Ocurrió: Memoria de una Hija Sobre Enfermedades Mentales

I am thrilled to announce the publication of the Spanish language translation of my memoir On Hearing of My Mother’s Death Six Years After It Happened: A Daughter’s Memoir of Mental Illness. Translated by Hector Molina.

Al Oír Sobre La Muerte de mi Madre Seis Años Después De Que Ocurrió: Memoria de una Hija Sobre Enfermedades Mentales

Era la primavera de 1989. Tenía dieciséis, era una estudiante honoraria de preparatoria. Tenía lo que toda adolescente quiere: una familia estable, un lindo hogar en los suburbios, un gran grupo de amigos, grandes planes para mi futuro, y ninguna razón para creer que nada de eso cambiaría.

Entonces llegó la psicosis de mi madre. Experminenté de primera mano el terror de ver a alguien que amaba transformarse en un montruo El terror de descubrir que yo sería su primera víctima. Durante años he vivido con la tristeza de saber que ella, también, era una víctima La víctima de una terrible enfermedad que la consumió y destruyó a la mujer fuerte y cuidadosa que una vez llamé Mamá.

La enfermedad de mi madre se llevó todo. Mi familia, mi hogar, mis amigos, mi futuro. Año y medio más tarde estaría viviendo sola en la calle del otro lado del país, preguntándome si podría sobrevivir por mi cuenta. Pero lo hice. Así es como mi madre mi madre real me crió. Para sobrevivir.

Ella, también, era una sobreviviente. No fue hasta el año pasado que me enteré de que había muerto en 2007. Nadie sabrá nunca su lado de la historia ahora. Pero tal vez, por fin, ha llegado el momento para que yo digo la mía.

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Here’s What’s on Top of My Christmas Tree – What’s on Yours?

 

That’s right – I have my very own Abominable Snow Monster! For years now he’s been coming by once a year in order to place a star on top of my tree. Is it wrong that this is my favorite part of Christmas? I’m neither very sentimental nor very religious, but somehow seeing the Abominable hovering at the top of my tree fills me with… well, I guess you’d have to call it Christmas spirit. So what’s on the top of your Christmas tree?

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Suburban Wildlife, Part I

You’ve heard of feral cats, but feral skunks? True, I’m afraid – if you can’t tell by the smell. In my backyard they like to trade off taking advantage of the well-protected nest in the woodpile. A new litter of kittens with their mom is inevitably followed by a new litter of baby skunks with theirs! This one was on its own, but you can bet pretty soon we’ll be seeing a black-and-white caravan trailing up and down the hill.

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Do They Know It’s Christmas?

My favorite Christmas song – it moves me every time. Sadly, it’s still relevant thirty years later.

 

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Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: A Critical Analysis

Last week I decided to find a new home for my fake Christmas tree. Formerly it resided in an awkward and difficult-to-navigate corner of the basement, and I’ve finally relocated it to the upstairs closet with the rest of the Christmas stuff. Logically I know I ought to just get rid of the stupid thing. It’s a pain to put up, the branches are all bent way out of shape, a chunk of the topper is missing, and it’s still wearing tinsel from 2006. Yet somehow I’m never able to do it. It always surprises me how attached I am to that tree, even though I know full well the reason why – it’s because it’s exactly like the one my family had when I was growing up. I’m ordinarily not the nostalgic type, but to me that big ol’ fake tree with its pretty, colorful blinking lights is what makes Christmas Christmas. That and my one other indispensable holiday tradition – 1970s Christmas specials!

Yes, it’s true – Christmas was never more meaningful than it was during that wondrous era in which we celebrated the most important holiday of a child’s year not by going to church, not by singing carols, not by hitting the mall at midnight on the day after Thanksgiving, but by plopping our butts down in front of a nineteen-inch black-and-white at eight pm on Saturday nights in December and losing ourselves in these classic tales of childish wonder. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer, the story of an outcast who saves Christmas. Santa Claus is Coming to Town, the story of an outcast who invents Christmas as we know it today. How the Grinch Almost Stole Christmas, the story of an outcast who… Wait, I’m starting to sense a pattern here.

Now, I am not going to confess that I still watch these specials every year, and sometimes more than once, even with no children in sight. I will decline to admit that I have all of my favorites on both video and DVD, or that the one day of the year in which even I will almost certainly tear up is when I witness The Grinch having his big change of heart. I will, however, be happy to share my thoughts on that most thought-provoking of Claymation creations – the story of Rudolph.

Yes, because there’s more to the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer than the patently obvious lesson about the worth and value of misfits. This 1964 Rankin and Bass drama is chock full of enough subtext to satisfy the most diehard of film enthusiasts, and it is still, nearly fifty years later, remarkably evocative of the socially progressive era in which it was born. Let’s look at how.

 

1. The authority figures are jerks. There’s the nasty coach, who, after Rudolph’s secret is revealed, informs the other children snidely: “From now on, we won’t let Rudolph play in any more reindeer games, right? Right.” Look at Rudolph’s dad, Donner, who forces him to wear a fake nose, which is not only uncomfortable, but wholly undermines Rudolph’s budding self-esteem. “You’ll like it and wear it!” he commands. “There are more important things than comfort. Self-respect!” Consider Clarice’s father, who reaffirms Rudolph’s worthlessness by rejecting Rudolph on sight: “No doe of mine is going to be seen with a… with a red-nosed reindeer!” And how about the mean elf-boss, who yells at Hermey and then (illegally) refuses to give him his break until he finishes his work?

And then there’s the big man himself, Santa Claus. Not content with merely trashing the new elf song his pint-sized slaves have spent weeks writing and rehearsing, he quickly turns his temper to the subject of Rudolph. “You should be ashamed of yourself,” he tells Donner. For what, we wonder? For siring a red-nosed son? “What a pity – he had a nice take-off, too.” In other words, Santa is so closed-minded that he can’t even consider the possibility of putting someone who’s a little different on his team, no matter how good he is or how much potential he has. It’s the attitude of guys like him that gave rise to the idea of Equal Opportunity Employment.

The message is as clear as a bright red bulb on a foggy winter night. Don’t trust anyone over thirty!

2. The one authority figure who isn’t a jerk is King Moonracer, that good-looking lion. Although he speaks smoothly and with conviction, he is unfortunately an idiot. Every evening he circles the entire earth, collecting toys that no little girl or boy loves, and bringing them to his Island of Misfit Toys. Yet practically the first thing he says to Rudolph on meeting him is, “When one day you return to Christmastown, would you tell Santa about our misfit toys? I’m sure he could find children who would be happy with them.”

Okay, Your Highness, you may seem majestic with your wings and your crown and your cool castle and all, but you need better advisers. You’re telling me that you circle the entire earth every night seeking abandoned toys, but you never once thought to stop off at the North Pole and talk to Santa yourself? Heck, I mean, it’s not even that far – no farther than one can travel by ice floe, at any rate. The misfits may be all right, but the ruler of the misfits… Well, he obviously isn’t roaring with a full mane.

I’m not quite certain about the intended lesson here, though. Is it merely a dig at autocratic rule, or are we being taught that monarchy consists largely of pointless exercises in futility? In either case, it’s none too flattering to the man in charge – and in the end, it’s the brash young upstart who actually solves the problem of the misfit toys.

3. There’s a hint of underlying feminism. When Rudolph goes missing, Donner naturally decides to go out looking for him. “Mrs. Donner wanted to go along, too,” narrator Burl Ives assures us. “No! This is man’s work!” Donner blusters in response. But the days of mindless obedience to one’s husband are passing. “No sooner did the man of the house leave than Mrs. Donner and Clarice decided to go out on their own…” It’s also interesting that all of them – male and females alike – wind up in the cave of the Abominable Snow Monster. The buck, it seems, really was no better equipped to take care of himself than the ladies.

Notice, too, that the women aren’t jerks like the men are, perhaps because they have no actual authority. Why, that Clarice is downright sweet. She doesn’t laugh along with the others; rather, she compels Rudolph to keep his promise to walk her home. She sings to the unfortunate misfit to ease his dejection and pain. She even defends his “deformity,” declaring, “I think it’s a handsome nose! Much better than that silly false one you were wearing.” She’s kind of a forward gal, too. The way she whispers “I think you’re cute!” into Rudolph’s ear just before takeoff practice, the way she nuzzles noses with him on their first date – this is not a doe who is suffering from sexual repression.

Strong, independent, free-thinking females – you can practically see women’s lib being born right in front of your eyes.

4. It’s about coming-of-age. Because there’s no need for Rudolph to actually get rid of his red nose. He just needs to learn to control it. Am I right? The young Rudolph’s “blinkin’ beak” goes off at random, shocking nearby observers with both the shining light and the horrible high-pitched whine that accompanies it. Indeed, his secret is discovered during one such unexpected episode – and worse, he and his friends are almost caught by The Abominable during another. But by the end, Rudolph is flicking that thing on and off on command, and that’s the point at which it becomes useful – even desirable – to Santa and the others.

“Control! Control! You must learn control!” Yoda scolds Luke Skywalker, another youngster with unique and special powers. And what about Harry Potter? There’s a story that’s all about learning self-control. Misfit or no, Rudolph, too, must gain mastery over his body and his emotions before he can become a productive member of society.

And that, of course, is the quintessence of growing up.

5. It’s about the growing acceptance of babies born out of wedlock. Surprising, but quite possibly true. Have you ever noticed that Hermey has rounded ears? Strange, isn’t it? Not only is he the only elf who doesn’t like to make toys, he’s also the only one with round ears. Indeed, except for his stature and classy powder-blue attire, he might not be an elf at all. He might even be – gasp – a human!

Of course, among elves, the outcast would naturally be human; the anti-Vulcan, if you will. But why did Rankin and Bass decide not to give Hermey pointy ears? Why did they decide to make him a misfit not just by personality, but also by physical characteristic?

The answer seems obvious. Hermey is – as such children used to be called – illegitimate. Because if Santa and the Missus are the only humans in Christmastown, then where did Hermey get those rounded ears? Hmm, maybe Santa’s a jerk in more ways than we thought; taking advantage of an employee – oh, no, wait. There’s also Yukon Cornelius. Maybe he popped into town one day and decided to pop in on some cute girl-elf’s cottage. Oh, wow. What if Hermey was, in fact, Yukon Cornelius’ son? Think about it – they reunite, escape death, hang out, solve problems together… I may have to compose my very first piece of fan fiction.

There’s no question that the ranks of single mothers grew in the sixties – all that free love was bound to have consequences, after all – and perhaps, in a time in which the term “bastard” still prevailed, Rudolph gently reminded us not to judge the child by the actions of its parents. It’s a lesson that we’ve evidently learned, because look at us today – even our most respected celebrities are having babies without ever getting married, and without having to apologize for it, either. And their children, too, are no longer scorned or held down by society because of their birth; they are quite as likely to succeed in life, perhaps to become celebrities in their own right, or even, if they’re very lucky and study hard, dentists.

 

Programs like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer are arguably the reason why children of my generation grew up the way we did. Consider the lessons it teaches. Question authority, especially when authority is wrong. Make your own decisions. Judge people by their actions, not by their appearance or their circumstances. Respect those who are different from you. It’s liberal thinking in its broadest, least political sense, and it was born in an era of idealism, in which people really thought it was possible to change the world; in which they truly believed that one person could make a difference.

Rudolph lights the way.

***

Want to share the story of Rudolph? This essay is also available as an eBook on the following sites:

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